Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
