My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
