walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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