me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Randomize
