so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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