Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
