We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
