the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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