Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
As shirtless as possible
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
