thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
