he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
