i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
