textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize