How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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