Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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