I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
