Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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