If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
