my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
