Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
