Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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