They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
