Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
