oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
