areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
