Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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