when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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