For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
