Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
