he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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