theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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