O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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