If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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