I cannot find my penis.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
