All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize