I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
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