I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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