he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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