How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
