Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
