Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize