I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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