Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
