I want to walk on stilts...naked
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
