I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
