I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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