You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
