he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
