HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
