White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
