I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
