No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
