mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
