Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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