I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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