I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
