Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
