i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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