Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
